Sunday, October 25, 2009

How Can It Be...

that it has been six months since I have held you in my arms? How can it be that I have lived half a year without you both? How can it be that 183 days have passed and there is still a gaping hole in my heart?

I know that I will always live with a broken heart. It has become less jagged in the last six months but it still takes my breath away when I sit back and think of what I have lost. I miss my Sophia & Ellie so much. Especially as the holidays are approaching I find myself with a lot of apprehension for what should have been. I suppose that is all part of being a mother to babies who have left too soon.

Today we went to the girls grave. We took 2 little pumpkins, some fall flowers, and a Happy Halloween balloon that Emma picked out. Their grave looks very festive, but it hurts to know that they can't be with us during these celebrations.

Happy six months sweet ones. Mommy loves you and misses you both so very much. xoxo

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


Okay, so as I mentioned in my last post, Angie from Still life with circles was encouraging us all to go the extra step and make a difference is someone's day. Emma and I have been sick for over a week now, so I have not been out of the house much except to go to doctor's appointments. Knowing it would be hard for me to do something kind for someone (without exposing them to this yucky flu; and let's face it that would not be kind AT ALL!!) I contacted Angie on Friday and told her I wanted to do something for one of her commenters on this post. So we randomly chose a number (thank you Emma) and commenter #22 was picked! So, Ines from Baby Fionn will be getting a necklace from me. I know it is not an anonymous act, but it is something from my heart that I hope she will appreciate! Great job to all those who participated. Let's not forget to be kind everyday, especially to those we love!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Random Act of Kindness

Angie at Still life with circles is hosting a Good Friday. She is encouraging all of us to do a Random Act of Kindness today. While it is important to be kind everyday, she is challenging us to go the extra step and truly make a difference in someones day. After you have met Angie's challenge, go to this post and leave her a comment telling about the Random Acts of Kindness you performed today (or tomorrow :).

Thursday, October 15, 2009


Thinking of my sweet angels...

and yours, tonight and always...

Missing and loving you Sophia & Ellie. xoxo

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Story Time

Yesterday I was reading the story Stell.aluna to my students. For those of you who may not be familiar with this story here is a quick synopsis:

A mother fruit bat has a baby who she loves so much, she names her Stell.aluna. The mother is flying through the night sky with her baby and along cones an owl and flies into them. Mother can not hold onto Stell.aluna and she falls below. However, Stell.aluna didn't fall to the ground, she fell into a bird's nest with 3 baby birds. The mother bird allows Stell.aluna to stay and treats her like the rest of her babies. A while later, after Stell.aluna has grown a bit, she meets some other bats. After hearing her story, one of the bats realized that Stell.aluna is her baby that she thought she lost when the owl attacked. Mother and baby are reunited and live happily ever after...yada, yada, yada.

So anyway, I am reading this story and it hits me. Mother fruit bat is reunited with her baby. She wasn't gone forever like my girls are. I will not find them two months from now or two years from now. I hope we will be reunited when my time here is over, but I have to live my life here on Earth without my girls. It took everything I had in me not to run out of the room. I had to hold my tears back and keep my voice from cracking. It as very difficult and brought up a lot of emotions for me.

Today I am home with Emma because she is sick again. I left the movie Stell.aluna for the sub to show to my students so I do not have to relive that story again. I just don' think I could do it. I am happy for mother fruit bat and Stell.aluna, but just still so sad for myself and my girls...and all of you out there who understand.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Sunday, kids, and anger

Last Sunday our family was awoken to the sound of the smoke detectors going off. Not just one, signaling it needs its battery changed, but ALL of them. It was terrifying. I was in bed, Hutch had gone to the couch sometime during the night, and Brady & Emma were on the other side of the house. Hutch & I both ran to the kids who were seriously confused by all the commotion (as were we.) We went outside onto our driveway and put the kids in the car since it was quite chilly that morning. We really did not think there was a fire in the house. We didn't smell smoke or see flames, so we were fairly confidant that the house was okay. After the kids were settled Hutch said he was going to go in to check everything, I said I wanted to go too in case I needed to get anything out of the house. But what was really on my mind was, "If there is a fire I am getting Sophia's & Ellie's box. I have to have their things. they can not be damaged by a fire or smoke. This is all I have left of them and I'll be damned if I am going to let anything happen to all I have left of my girls."

Needless to say, there was no fire, the girls' box was safe and sound right on top of my dresser. However, now I am thinking I need to put in in our safe. I hate the idea of not having the box out where I can see it, but even more I would hate for something to happen to the box while we were away.

Also last Sunday (wow it was an eventful day!) I went and visited with an old friend I used to teach with. She is experiencing some life changing challenges in her marriage right now so even though our grief is different, it is still similar in many ways. We talked for quite a while and it is interesting that we have a lot of the same emotions and reactions to our "losses." I got a good cry out while talking to my friend and I sure felt a lot better afterward. It is so nice that she can comfortably talk to me about my girls and my experience. It really helped my emotional state because the days before this I had been in a pretty foul mood.

I have always talked about Brady and Emma to my students. However this year I am more reluctant to do so. I know the question, "How many kids do you have?" would come up and it did this week. I don't remember what we were talking about, but a student asked the question. Of course I have thought about my answer to this question and my thoughts have been that I would answer truthfully, 4. And if further questions were asked I would simply say that we have 2 of our children here with us and 2 that live in Heaven. Well, the question was thrown out, but for some reason I just didn't feel like answering it. Instead I just ignored it and went on teaching. I am not sure why I did this, I am quite comfortable with my answer, but maybe the timing just wasn't right. I don't know...

I know I haven't finished writing Sophia's & Ellie's story here, I will someday, but it is just so hard. But when we had the girls we decided not to bring Brady and Emma in to see them. I have never regretted this decision. I thought it might be too much for them, too traumatic. After all we did have pictures and the kids have seen these. However, the other night I was putting Emma in bed and we were talking about her sisters. She told me that she wanted to go to the hospital when I had them. I asked her why and she said because she wanted to see her sisters. My heart broke all over again and for the first time I am doubting my decision on not bringing them in to see the girls. I told her we have pictures and we can look at them whenever we want to and she was satisfied with that answer, but I am still doubting my decision.

I have been having a hard time lately, my emotions are all over the place. I have been crying more than I had been and have been sadder than I was. I guess that is just grief's way. The friend I was talking to last week asked if I had experienced all the emotions involved with the grieving process. She asked if I had been angry and really I don't feel that I have been. I don't know who to be angry at. I have been upset with myself for not doing things differently, I have questioned my doctors possibly missing something that was wrong, but I don't blame anyone for my girls' deaths. I sometimes feel like I want to be mad at someone, but I don't know who to be mad at. I know some people become angered at God. I don't think this was something He controlled and made happen, it wasn't part of his "plan" for me. That is just not the way I think, maybe if I did think like that, then I would be angry at Him, but that's not me. So this foulness that I mentioned earlier that comes out of me, maybe that is my anger releasing itself on whoever happens to be there at the moment. I don't know, but mostly I am just really missing my girls.